This will be the second time in six years that I have "recreated myself". The first time coincided with the dissolution of my twenty year marriage. I had decided to be a more positive person and to be more social. My new approach to life didn't fit with my highly dysfunctional marriage, so I ended that chapter of my life. I also moved to a home that was a better fit for both my mental and physical needs.
After another rough couple of years, I decided that the best thing I could do for my mental and physical health was to move to move to the Portland, Oregon, area. What did I bring with me versus what did I leave behind? Where will I try to go from here I wonder?
I left behind the small handful of friends that I had made over the last couple of years. A few of them expressed extreme sadness that I was leaving them. These "friends" were rarely available when I wanted to socialize, and I was nearly always the one to suggest getting together. I understand how everyone is "busy", but relationships need to be cultivated.
I had a wonderful house that I had purchased in 2013. I loved everything about it, except that it was in Nashua, NH. A place where it snowed ten feet in 2015. A place with little cultural life. A place where I'd met most of the people who liked the things that I liked, and still felt bereft of meaningful relationships.
I left behind the constant torment of wondering if my son might deign to reach out to me again. He lived less than a mile away, so there was always a chance that he could get over his latest issue with me and swing by or ask to meet up again, like he did last September after fifteen months of silence. After seven months of improved relations, he disappeared on me again. I am glad to leave constant torment behind.
But did I? While I don't have this constant hope that he could simply "show up" at my door, I do have a small voice in the back of my head that says "Maybe he'll text you today. Maybe he'll call you out of the blue today like he did in September." Then reason takes over and shuts that voice down.
I pared down most of my belongings. I did bring my three feline roommates with me. I also brought the majority of my crafting tools with me. Crafting is one of the things that relaxes me and centers me when other things in my life aren't going so well.
I am slowly getting used to my new apartment. It's too expensive and too far away from Portland proper to be a long term home. However, it's turning out to be an acceptable base of operations as I get to know the area.
I've made a couple of friends. And, I'm signing up for activities that will hopefully introduce me to more like-minded people. I haven't seen much of the friend who I hoped to see more of when I moved here. But, that's fine. I wasn't going to rely on that relationship for much of my social support. It's not practical to rely on one person. Plus, there are complicated reasons (on both sides) that keep me from relying on that person. She was quite a help when it came to the initial transition since she stayed at my apartment with my kitties for a few days until I could come out and join them. I will be forever grateful for that.
So, who am I now?
When I look back on my adult life, I barely remember being a married person. When I fill out a form that asks if I'm single, married, divorced, or widowed, I usually check "single". Why would it matter how I got that way?
Now there are days when I can barely remember being a parent. I think this is my mind's way of protecting itself from the pain of the past. Seeing my friends' posts on Facebook about their children usually brings some of the pain to the surface. Hearing children's voices or seeing evidence of children's lives also brings some of the pain to the surface. It's making me seriously consider looking into living in an adults-only community the first year I would qualify by age (usually at 55).
The past contributed to who I am now. However, I get to decide who I am now. I get to decide how to react to the challenges that have occurred in my life. I am trying to construct a new life based on things that have made me happy in the past. I'm even considering dating, even though I really don't feel the need to have someone share my life. Not because "my life" is a work in progress, but because I want it to be "MY" life. After 20 years in a dysfunctional marriage, and feeling as if all the effort I put into parenting did ME little good in the long run, I feel entitled to a life of my own where my happiness and needs come first.
While it sounds bitter, a friend of mine in NH gave me a notebook with a great quote on the cover that sums up my feelings about my old life: "Hell is other people." It's not 100% accurate though. Hell CAN BE other people, especially when you give others too much dominion over your life, especially if they give very little back to you.
I will be more cautious with my heart and my time. I am willing to give new people a chance so that we can connect and support each others lives. The energy has to flow both ways. Between my health issues and the weight of my past, I can no longer afford to invest my energy in relationships that are not balanced.
What does this say about who I am? I'm not sure yet. I really do want to find out who I can become now. Who will I create now?
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