"Be to my sad self, hereafter, kind."

The kindest thing that I can do for myself is to stop replaying situations in my head where I wish I had done things differently.  "If only I had (or had not) ..." That is a cruel and pointless game.  Of course, I think that one of the reasons that I constantly replay such scenes in my head is that K won't tell me what I did this time to make him turn his back on me again.  The last time this happened, he gave me a lengthy laundry list of my crimes.  In that situation, I readied myself for a follow-up encounter where I could give my own version of the "crimes" he held against me.  But, since he never gave me the opportunity, I got to replay my presentation over and over in my head. The kindest thing that I could do for myself would be for me to do for myself what I would have him do for me:  To forgive myself for whatever fallabilities which may have contributed to. Perhaps some day, K will come to realize that it is better to have flawed individuals in our lives who love us, than to not have such individuals in our lives at.  I accept him as a flawed individual.  I need to be better at accepting myself as a flawed individual.  If he cannot do that, his life we be much less rich without me in it; and someday, he will regret his banishment of me. In the meantime, I need to learn from those sentiments myself.  I should not sit around an wallow in self pity and regret.  The kindest thing that I can do for myself would be to forgive myself.  While I cannot control how K treats me, I can control how I treat myself.l